Let March Begin!

We are now on the road to happiness! Well, happier times at least.

Last week was pretty crap, in fact February has been a bit of a dire month all in all. Monday we attended Jay's Grandad's funeral. It was a nice service, hearing about his life was a particular high point. I liked hearing how his Son's friends would call on him to come out and play football instead of his Son, hah! He was in a wicker casket which is eco-friendly and the family had picked yellow and blue flowers to represent Pompey as he was always a fan. It's awful to say it and not a very nice occasion to get together but it was lovely to see some of Jay's Family we don't see all the time.

Tuesday I made the decision to go and see my Nan. She was in the Chapel of Rest at the Co-Operative Funeral Directors in Fratton. The night before my Mum asked me if I really wanted to go, and to have a think about it. It was a really difficult decision as my Dad had chosen not to go. He'd seen her on the morning that she left us and said she looked peaceful which was enough for him so fair enough. I had seen her Friday evening when she was probably the most coherent she's been in a while but she still looked awful and when I kissed her, her face was cold. A few people said to me is that the lasting image you want to remember your nan? I thought about it and the only out come was it was either her suffering in hospital and the nurses struggling to move her over the bed as my last memory or her laying peacefully. I thought if I saw her at the Chapel and it was awful, I would probably get over it. But if I didn't go, I would forever be thinking that I should have done. My Grandad came along with my Uncle and my Great Auntie. My Grandad was very good with the whole situation and to be honest I thought I would be too. I didn't know what to expect and I honestly thought i'd just go in, hold her hand, or kiss her head and say goodbye. I couldn't even get that close to the Coffin. She looked peaceful and settled but it was so quiet in the Chapel you could have heard a pin drop and that made me feel really uncomfortable. I stood rooted to the spot for about 3 or 4 minutes and just walked out again, I couldn't even touch her. It was the most bizarre of feelings. I didn't really feel like it was my Nan, it really did feel like her soul had left the body and she was somewhere else.

Her funeral was on Thursday and there was a great turn out, out of all this it has really made me realize we should make the effort to be a little closer to my Uncle & my Cousins. We listening to Goodbye Ruby Tuesday as we left the Crematorium, I think Nan would have really liked the whole service. The wake was at the same place we had Jay's Grandad's so it was a little De Ja Vu! Again it was lovely to see lots of family members.

A rubbish week was topped off with an utterly stunning wedding. My Cousin Christopher married Charlotte at the Elvetham hotel in Hampshire and it was incredible! I've never been to such an amazing wedding! When you have a 'Sorbet' in between courses you know it's posh....It was a brilliant day, I wish we could do it all over again! :o)

Rest in Peace.

What a week. Warning in advance this is going to be a really depressingly shit blog entry.

Last Sunday Jay's Grandad chocked on a piece of food at the care home he was in, only to black out which bought on a heart attack. He pretty much never woke up and died on Wednesday morning. Such a lovely man, it really saddens me that the last time I saw him was Christmas Day. I take comfort that he's now with his late wife Jean who was a very influential person on Jay's life though I missed her by about a month. She passed away a few weeks before I met Jay. It makes me happy to think of them together :)

After that tragedy it really made me think about my Nan, i'd been sort of putting off seeing her in the hospital because it's really depressing and she hardly makes any sense anymore it's almost as if my actual Nan drifted away a while back and all that's left is a mere shell of a lady. It really upset me every time I saw her. Friday after work I thought I would go up because my Dad has been going almost everyday and I thought sooner or later it will be too late and I won't have seen her for weeks. I visited about 6:15pm and she was actually quite chipper, I mean she's lost about 4 stone in weight since she got ill and she looks friggin' awful but she managed to actually speak to me and she gave me a kiss bless her. I asked her if she was cold and she said "It is a bit cold" so I popped her dressing gown over her to keep her a little warmed. We said "We're off now Ruby" She says "Yeah, alright". Really was awful leaving her in her room knowing all she was doing was laying there staring at the wall, nothing to do, nothing to see, just nothing. Except laying. this was my Nan, my nan who would make me cheese and brown sauce sandwiches when I was young even if i'd already had 5. Now she couldn't do anything for herself. I stayed at Jay's Friday night after I headed out to celebrate Bridie's birthday. Woke up Saturday morning to a few missed called and a text from my Mum to Jay asking me to call my Mum ASAP. I just knew what it was. Nan passed away in her sleep at around 6am on February 4th 2012. Seeing my Dad cry is the single worst thing to see, and to see it more than once over the past 24 hours really breaks my heart.

Not to mention being royally pissed of at Jay this evening - hasn't helped. Either we're a couple or we're not, either i'm his family or i'm not. I am not interested in being left to one side every now and again.

Nan, I miss you so much already, Uncle Len & Uncle Bill must be showing you the ropes up there by now :) Sleep tight. x