Pow, right in the kisser.

I recently went to a party where manya mental conversations were had regarding afterlife, space, 'ying & yang' and to be honest i'm more of a living in the real world kind of girl. However, the past couple of days have seen me go into a kind of subconscious trance where I don't know what is real and what's not.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be happy, at least not in this life. I just have to make the best with what i've got. <---- Did I seriously just write this? One part of me thinks that nobody is ever 100% happy, people are just lucky. The other half thinks nobody should ever have to settle for being 'okay'. Which is right? And where is the middle ground? Is there a middle ground?

I love a romantic gesture, but is there actually a single man out there who does things because they love someone, not because they want something? By 'something' I mean gratitude or to feel good about themselves. I am turning into a cynical old woman and as a result I don't think there are any selfless good deeds.

God I need to get a life! Be a bit more care-free, I say this too often and I always revert to the same uptight crazy person who worries too much. Who on earth would want to be with someone like that? How am I meant to change? Should I change? It always ends up the same, nice on the outside, not so nice on the inside. So it'll probably work out in the future that I have lots of short term friends but not very many long term friends. It will also mean I will end up a lonely old spinster with a house full of cats. I also have a huge issue admitting i'm wrong, if anyone ever reads this I could be in trouble, ha! In all seriousness, it's things like that, that ruin my relationships with people and it absolutely kills me :(

I've got a boy who tells me he loves me, leaves me notes under my pillow and cuddles me on the sofa. That's all I need right? I just wish he'd go that extra mile. Sometimes I feel like i'm putting 200% in and getting 2% back. Should relationships even be like this? Is every relationship like this? Should relationships be effortless or do they need work? I think the latter, but maybe not night shifts. I should really stop being such a mentalist and get on with the here and now.

London is just around the corner and it will be a lovely weekend away :o) To be honest, for me it's more of the holiday blues which is getting me a little down. Florida feels like it never even happened. Hmph.

Bring on the next holiday!