Cool Hwhip.

(Lois walks in on Stewie torturing a bully)
Stewie: We're playing house...
Lois: But that kid is all tied up!
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Stewie: It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'

Brian: You're drunk.
Stewie: You're sexy.

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Stewie: Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Stewie: Oh hey lady. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?

Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water, it's not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Stewie: You know what else is disgusting? (He farts and his right eye turns red.) Oh damn, I broke a blood vessel.

Stewie (in car with Brian, says to police officer): We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Stewie: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: What?
Brian: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did.

Stewie: What do you want?
Man in White: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is UNTIMELY DEATH!

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!

Little Asian Girl: Hey Stewie, do you want to complete our rainbow?
Stewie: Dear God, I've been adopted by a Benetton ad.

Why do I insist on getting wasted when I go out and proceed to make a massive fool out of myself? (Stopped on the family guy quotes now this is pure Green.)

Went to Scandals last night, got horrendously drunk. I think, THINK I may have called Adam a fair old bunch of times for moreorless no reason whatsoever. I think I also may have sent some incriminating texts. Haven't spoken to him today although i'm fairly sure there was minimal phone conversation before his battery died although I am actually not sure what was said. Probably me rambling on about something. Oh well! Perhaps I can apologise and he'll enlighten me on my antics tomorrow.

Claire disappeared somewhere, I think she may have lost us and gone home. Tried calling her but no answer. I got lost at some point in the night but managed to regain some life back after finding Caroline on the dance floor with some random men - of which I think I have some pictures on my camera. No idea who took them or who they are. Scandals was quality, definitely have to go there more often I think. Every song was amazing, they mixed Artic Monkeys into Vampire Weekend genius no? There were some horrendous men in there that thought they were awesome but clearly weren't and were only either relishing in the fact their wives had let them go out for a night or shamelessly trying to pull other women. Neither were attractive traits. D'ya know whatelse wasn't attractive? £5.20 for a double vodka and diet coke, you what?! Less than Tiger Tiger admittedly, but in Tiger Tiger you're not hyperventilating at the prospect of losing the will to breathe in the smallest space EVER. Aside from the struggle to breathe I think I must have danced non stop for around 3 hours, good job I didn't wear heels. I wore flats and my feet still hurt this fine evening. Worth it though, I think.

Mum has annouced to me that my GHD's 'may' not be actual GHD's and instead a botched job from ebay. This may explain why the 'ceramic' has chipped off and they don't work particularly well. I'm a massive snob, i'm the first to admit that. No wonder i'm single :-/ Okay i'm not a massive snob, just a little bit of a snob...

Footy was good today, totally beat Stoke 2-1. They were shit in all honesty. Had nothing going forward and I enjoyed a game for the first time in ages mostly because I could actually see it wearing the new glasses. I took them off mid way through the second half and I actually think it has impaired my vision even further, great! A big blur fest when they're off. Boooooo. Crouch scored one of the best goals i've seen at Fratton in ages, plus an over head kick from a 6ft 7 giant always has it's comedy value. Fuck, why is it only 20:47? I feel like I ought to be going to sleep but surely that is too early?

Monday tomorrow, - woop woop!? No.